How can I express just how that phrase 'Now that's not a nice thing to say, is it?' gets on my tits? It drives me absolutely livid to the point where my chucking my fist straight into the face of the person saying it would be simply divine. Obviously, it was not a nice thing to say. I would think that I'd know it wasn't a nice thing to say before it escapes my mouth. How dare you make me doubt myself. Patronising cow.

If I were to come in flying through the door and say 'Fucking cow next door. Blooming miserable turd.' obviously I did not for one second think I was trying to be nice about it. Exactly what is wrong with some people these days.

If I were to slag some people off, surely I'd have realized the entire act of slagging one off is not a pleasant pastime. If I were to take the piss, it was simply me taking the piss. Being nice was not the basis of such an act. Let us all be nice and just take the piss out of that poor sod in a nice manner. Wankers.

I have a mental gurney sack and it is a massive one. In it I shall put Shakespeare lovers. Them snotty twats who will randomly quote Shakespeare and expect me to know which fucking play it came out of. Them arsey individuals who will tell you, whether you like it or not, how many of Shakespeare's works they are familiar with. Them I shall put first and foremostly in my Sack of Arseholes.

Secondly, Wine-tasters. They who sniff and swirl and claim they can smell hints of Cardamom, vanilla and maybe Patchouli oil. Yes, them. They will go in there and accompany the Lovers of Shakespeare.

Thirdly, sculptors of Abstract Art. Or maybe sculptors and painters. Excuse me for not having an eye for the finer things in life. In all honesty, mate, I don't know what the fuck it is up there on the centre stage. It is shit. A pile of mud. Shit. A lump of scaffoldings. Shit. Don't tell me that it symbolises life in Metropolitan London. Yes, London is shit. People piss up against every imaginable wall. Very shit.

Pretentious twats. As pretentious as clueless twats who don Vivienne Westwood because she symbolises the New Age Era Revolution and all her pieces are breath-taking. Bollocks. She's just amazing. End of. No need for you to pretend you are as amazing as she is simply wearing her creations.

Fourthly, the Gothic shits out here right now who read Twishite and watch every blooming episode of True Blood. Oh how I wish to bash the shit out them prats. Bash them up till they bleed from every orifice and eventually die after being attacked by badgers.

Fifthly, middle-class Jewish young adults who go on as if they are of Jamaican descend. Wagwan, Blahd. Ah fuck off. You rich, over-privileged pricks, you lot. Fuck you know about the gangsta life. Really. Bloody driving Mini Coopers funded by Mummy Dearest after her severance pay-off.

With that, I'll end this with...

Did you see that fake abs thing on Big Bruv that fat bloke had on?

Scared the Bejesus out of me.