CatfishClusterFuck

I've been wanting to watch Catfish for months ever since I saw the trailer during an advert. Months of incessant whining, jumping up in excitement and talking over people when I see the advert on the telly. It was really a 'movie' about this bloke who met this girl on Facebook and somewhat had a relationship with her and then lo and behold something goes wrong when he realized some things did not add up with the bird. Typical story line as far as I am concerned with online dating, really. It is a bit rich coming from me considering that I met Jaz on Myspace and I had traveled all the way across the world to be with him. But whatever, I am a pessimist and I don't think things are going to work out anyway between this Nev bloke and that unnecessarily-beautiful Megan that had musical skills, which later turned out to be bloody recordings of random Youtube song covers, and a dancer's body. To be fair it is quite good with the cringe factor. You know it is going to be garbage, you know it is going to be a case of an identity theft, you know it is all going to end in tears. I suppose it's nicer to watch someone else going through the humiliation, even though his character might be entirely fictional and this entire movie was thought up by a bunch of college students bonged off their faces.

First off, the story is a tad confusing to the point where to you have to annoyingly talk out loud during the movie to explain to your own bloody self exactly what on earth is going on. SPOILER ALERT. Really, I am going to spoil this whole production to hell and back for sucking the juice out of my brains through every orifice for what seemed like 2 hours. I couldn't locate the file on the computer anymore so I am guessing that in my hissy fit last night, I might have deleted the whole torrent and data off my PC so therefor, I am not able to tell you exactly how long the movie was. I don't even want to call it a movie. It was a documentary-type garbage. The kind where the whole ordeal was done with handheld camera of various shapes, sizes and variations and a crappy microphone that was taped to some man's ridiculously hairy chest. Let's just call it Garbage. So, Gullible Twat was Nev, the main bloke and he was a photographer. Nev got a picture published in the papers and then he received an e-mail, I think, of the same exact picture that was done in an oil painting by a girl who claimed that she saw the picture in the papers and felt inspired. This girl was a 9 year old named Abby. I think she was 9. Whatever. Then Abby and Nev became quite close and friendly and Abby started sending more and more oil paintings to Nev who was then living in New York. At first I recalled the trailer that claimed 'THE LAST FORTY MINUTES OF THE MOVIE WILL BE THE BIGGEST EMOTIONAL ROLLER-COASTER YOU HAVE EVER BEEN ON' and thought Oh shit, it is going to be some sick, kiddy-fiddling shit, isn't it? Oh, for fuck's sake. But then no, Nev got talking to Abby's Mom who was Angela, and then somehow hooked up with Abby's half-sister Megan, the unnecessarily-gorgeous woman. Blah-dee-blah-blah-blah. So then they sex-texted and whatever and then there was this thing with some lies that she told about the music that she sang which Nev and his brother, Rel, and his mate, Henry, all of whom were in the Garbage being the cameramen, later found out were just some random Youtube recordings of cover artists and then... Nev got suspicious. I mean, really. Sigh. So then, they fucked off to where this Meg supposedly stayed and in the middle of the fucking night found the ranch that she was staying in and found that all the postcards he had sent her was rotting in the mailbox and that the lot was vacant. All the way while the stupid boys were fumbling in that empty ranch at 2-3 in the bloody morning in the dark, I kept saying 'I don't get why these stupid fucks have to do this shit in the middle of the bloody night. Why can't they be sensible human beings and do it in the day? I mean, they are trying to track down a girl, who lives alone in a fucking ranch, and they are doing their 'visiting' at 2 in the morning? I tell you, Baby, these men are fucked in the head and I hope they get slaughtered in the farm and fucking die all of them.' and Jaz talked over me and said, 'They are going to find a dungeon and discover that that Abby kid had been killed and there was blood in the garage. I know it, Baby. They are going to find out that that kid that been brutally-slaughtered and some sick adults stole her identity.' and I said 'No, Bay, I don't think so. They are just going to discover that the woman behind all this is indeed a fat, lonely woman who may not be that fat or ugly but she just has issues with herself. Maybe she is disabled. One of those amputees who paint with that strappy thing on their foreheads.'. Let me just state here, I am in no way trying to put down the disabled people. I just have no idea what that strappy thing they put on their foreheads to paint are called. We kept arguing, on the bed, in the dark until we realized that the Garbage had progressed fucking further on, and they were then at Abby's house and found out that Angela, the mother, looked nothing like the Facebook picture. That was it, really. All along, it had been that Angela woman. Abby did exist but she doesn't paint at all. So did Vince, the husband, who also looked like nothing on the Facebook pictures. Megan existed too but the real Megan knew nothing of Nev's existence. It was all Angela. She had created some 20 fake accounts just to make it all seem real. There were disabled people in it. Her twin sons were mentally-disabled, bless them. And she wasn't morbidly fat. She just looked nothing like that sparkling fake photo of hers. At least, if she had all that bloody time on her hands, fucking learn Photoshop and warp the shit out of all her pictures then. At least then if she got found out, she can say, Oh well, I blame McDonald's these past 3 months.

I actually have a school-mate on my FB who warped all her pictures on there and I was well-impressed at first thinking, well shit, she's looking good these days, until I found a picture where she had accidentally warped the bookcase behind her as well. What a twat.

ANYWAY. Wow, even this blog has been a waste of my time. I'm sorry. I don't mean to drag you into this garbage. I just had to vent. And post something to show that I am indeed alive.

The WHAT? The Tunnel.

A few nights ago, Jaz and I sat down and watched The Tunnel. A supposedly-low budget movie done by Australians. It's this rising trend with Paranormal Activity, isn't it? Paranormal Activity, which was amazing at first because it was filled with suspense, horror and yes, a big-breasted woman was involved and I was a bit pleased that her and all her glory got dragged away at the end. The second one was all right, I guess, because we could then say 'Ohhhh, so THAT was how it began then?' and patted ourselves on the back for the ability to put two and two together. And then NOW, Paranormal Activity 3 is coming out soon. What started out as fun is now starting to freak me out a bit because I am now asking myself if I have this strong fascination with perving on people's home-made videos and CCTV footages. So, with the third one, they are going back to the girls' childhood home to really find out Where It All Began and not surprisingly, it started with two stupid girls saying Bloody Mary three times and then left Bloody Mary all by her Bloody Self in the Bloody Bathroom with the Bloody Camera on. Next year, they will be releasing Paranormal Activity 4 where a camera will be inserted inside their mother's secret bits to find one of the girls fucking about with an Ouija board while she was in the womb at 8 months old some thirty odd years ago.

Now, The Tunnel. It's this movie about a whole bunch of journalist and that one lone woman amongst them who was so determined to Make It Big with this one story of wandering around in Sydney's underground system to find out what the government was doing about the homeless people who had been living in the sewers. So, naturally, they wandered about in the dark in the tunnel with their night-vision camera, some massive torch-lights and that one camera light thing that was so bright that if you look directly at it, you'd be convinced you're walking into heaven. You now have 4 crew, including that one woman who like all women before her in the same role, more or less, will turn into one huge screaming mess that you just want to punch the shit out of her and pray that she will eventually die being mauled by that thing that they were running away. What was it they were running from? Jaz and I reckoned it was some military experiment gone wrong that resulted in the creation of that scary-as-fuck fucker that I really think looked like Gollum, with a lot of hair. We couldn't really work out what it exactly looked like due to the shitty camera-handling as is the norm with all this bloody type of movie.  Scream, scream, run, pant, insert expletives, a slight glimpse followed by a large intake of breath because you're wondering if it was what you thought it was. Stumble, camera sliding on the floor, more screams, more expletives and then... Silence. Silence that stretched on for yonks. And in that silence, you'd attempt to breathe and then take a sip of your water at the same time because you think you are awesome like that and then an ear-shattering scream, followed by a jump, a loud swear from your person and then an awkward giggle because you cannot quite believe you reacted like that.

Camera motion-sickness is the key to movies like these. Just like Blair Witch. Remember Blair Witch Project? Loads of american teenagers screaming, a few things found on the forest floor that looked like guts, more blood, more screams, more stupid american kids screaming OMYGODOMYGODWHATWASTHAT?! I saw that when I was 13 and my younger self did not at all appreciate that garbage that was on the movie screen. My present self STILL resented that movie with all my heart. That movie and that album of STEPS that I got around the same time, probably. Fucking hate it with all my life. It was pointless. Let's just say it like how it is. It was garbage. No ending, nothing whatsoever. Did they ever find that Blair Witch? Did they all die? WHAT.

At least when american teenagers were running around in Carrie 2, Zachary Ty Bryan ended up with his dick getting harpooned. That was satisfactory.