Parenting 101

I would not call what I am doing with The Human Child parenting, to be honest. What it feels like most of the time is Amusing The Child.

I have since learnt to pull incredibly stupid, hideous faces whilst having dinner just so that he will stay amused and not moan incessantly, which will result in Shit Dinnertime followed by Indigestion. Dinner has since become a somewhat uncivilised and borderline barbaric affair where I have to make loud gobbly noises and sometimes chew with my mouth open so that he can laugh at the contents of my mouth.

It is common knowledge that little human children love it when you hurt yourself. The Human Child giggles when I feign injury and he also seems to really like it when I pretend to gasp for air. This will not go well when one day shit happens and I am dying of an asthma attack. I don't know if I should encourage him enjoying it when people have hurt themselves. I mean, he giggles watching Dexter and American Horror Story. Spawn of Satan, are you about to dethrone your Mother? I do wonder.

He loves the dark. There were a few times when I was watching American Horror Story in the dark on my own in the bedroom and suddenly I could hear a giggle in the darkest corner of the room when his cot is. I might have soiled myself. I have no idea how long he had been awake for and how he was amusing himself in the dark like that. Highly intriguing.

He is going to have shit coming his way if in a few years time he starts moaning about going to bed with no lights on.

The few hours he is awake in the day, he is watching shit that I watch. Mainly because the few hours I get to watch mind-numbing crap on the telly, I am not going to watch Chuggington or a bunch of grown men act like idiots with learning difficulties constantly amazed at whatever mundane shit going on around them. I do that on a constant basis any way. OOOH WHAT IS THAT? A HOOVER! ZOOOOOOOOOM! ZOOOOOOOM! Shit, don't cry... LOOK IT'S A HOOVER! Bloody dog. Get out of the way! LOOK, MUMMY'S HOOVERING! ZOOOOOOOM!

Look, Human Child, it's CSI: Miami! Horatio is so cool when he takes off his sunnies. Looks like a twat, don't he?

I know... I need to stop cussing around him. He might just end up calling me Twat and his dad Knob. Not good. Not good at all.