Youtube Chefs

Am I the only one who watches cooking tutorials on Youtube for hours, like umm 6 hours, and then end up having fucking pot noodles for dinner anyway? It always reaches to the point where I get so starved of nutrients due to the bloody Youtube loop I got myself into that I just run off and get the nearest thing that will fill the massive cavity that is my stomach. Baked potatoes? What? Fuck it, just stick the kettle on.

I can cook, yeah. Nothing majestic, though. Simple dishes that make most pot noodles connoisseurs drool, however. The most awe-inspiring thing that came out of the oven, baking-wise, was the peanut butter cookies that Kaz taught me, pretty much. Almost always, I'd run to Youtube, or saunter as that is as much I am physically arsed to do, and look up Red Velvet Cupcakes (over-ambitious, I know, but you can't be over-ambitious about baking silicone cups of sin, then you don't have a lot to look forward to in life), and see them Youtube Chefs whip out their fucking Kenwood mixers. That is as soul-destroying as watching make-up tutorials and see the Beauty Gurus whip out their bloody MAC brushes and pigment pots. Fuck them who thinks they absolutely have to own MAC garbage to get ahead in life, make-up wise. I have never owned a MAC brush and I think I look phenomenal enough. Fact. That brand have enough exposure as it is. Then again, I just can't afford a MAC brush and I can't justify spending that much when other brushes have done the job for me. Back on my self-righteous horse-on-stilts I go.  I am so sick of them over-priced, mass-produced equipments. Like Dyson hoovers of the cooking world. Still, it wouldn't hurt if someone gets me a Kenwood mixer. It would be much appreciated.

Youtube Whatever is like porn for me. I watch it, I get sucked into it for the entire duration. Sometimes, I touch myself. Sometimes I immediately close the window when Jaz walks in, though that is usually when I have Air Supply on. I go 'Ooh, aah' and pull faces but I almost always never replicate whatever it was I had just watched. Like certain things that can never happen in my Secret Bits, certain things will not happen in my kitchen, Photoshop, or my general face area. I don't see why I would want to look like Neytiri from Avatar after watching the make-up tutorial. Although, I would like to try out the Zipper Face ones.

I don't get 'Cravings'.

I get proper, stark-raving mad, full-blown, near-dementia case of wanting to eat something.

When I was pregnant with Charlie, I would say things like 'I would really like a big, fat, juicy burger, dripping with burger relish.' and people would say 'Oh, the baby is craving, eh?' Eh? No. I want it. Not the baby. It was not what my body suddenly needed since I was with child. It was because I just fucking want a burger, okay?

Even now, in the middle of Winter when I pass by the freezer sections in Budgens, I would say I wanted a massive tub of Strawberry flavoured ice-cream. Not because pregnancy had meddled with common sense being you don't have ice cream in Winter. It is just because I just fucking want ice cream. And I am not pregnant. If ever I were to fucking ask for bloody Marmite and peanut butter sandwich then yes, demand me to piss on a stick. Until then, I just want to eat something.

I was sat in bed last night, describing to Jaz, my vegetarian partner, how fat, juicy and oily I want my roast chicken to be. Fucking rude, I know. Well out of order, but if I can't share my deepest, darkest desires with the man who shags my brain out then who can I share them with? He didn't ask me if I was pregnant. He had long accepted that I just bloody love my food and if my occupying a good deal of the bed with my massive arse does not already make it obvious, then I don't know what will.

I am just a fucking porker. I want my chicken. Why lie? Why sugar-coat the truth with lies like 'My body needs the protein'. Why? I thought we are all supposed to be true to ourselves? Your body just needed for your mouth to munch on some crispy, roasted chicken skin.

Why is it that when I am stuffing my face with a mountain of lush, fresh, crispy salad people ask me if I am on a diet? You fucking idiots can ask me such a question that would be deemed insulting in some cultures but when I answered with 'No, I am just eating me greens because I am constipated. I just needed something to make me shit soft so that it'll stop ripping me bum in tatters.' you recoiled in disgust and said 'Too much information, Love'. Oh, so the details of my mythical diet was just the right amount of information then? You don't need the entire details of my bowel movements then? Why are trying to bring me down when I am performing the sacred act of Having My Dinner?

Who actually noticed I was gone?

I have been away from the interwebs for a bit for reasons being the internet connection has been a bit painfully slow and boggy.

Added to that, I was also a bit under the weather. Nothing major but any reason for me to stay under the duvet and watch countless movies, I'll take it.

I have also managed to watch the entire ten seasons of FRIENDS and have spent a few more countless hours jumping between the seasons and marvelling at the transformation the cast have gone through. I have also found a new-found, bottomless pit of hate for Rachel. She is a slag, that Rachel. Let's face it. A fucking typical slag. Ross is a spineless swine. How is she 'The favourite Friend'? If I ever have a fucking friend like that, who is so hopelessly dippy, and self-centred, I will fucking top myself off. And why is she always walking around without a fucking bra on? I fucking despise anti-gravitational tits being flaunted on the telly. Stop. Trying. To. Offend. My. Tits. Media.

I had not realized I have spent this long being away from the internet, actually. Must be all those days killing animated spawns of Satan on Vampire: The Masquerade Bloodlines.

I'll even try to jump on FB for a bit later or something. There are some things on Facebook that I would rather not face at the moment. Yes, Pussy Way Out. We all take that route sometimes.