His bloody fault.

It is half 4 in the fucking morning.

A few hours ago, not too long before he spontaneously passed mid-way through a conversation, he looked at me, through the eyes of someone on the brink of a mental break-down from sheer physical exhaustion, and said , 'Have you gotten bigger lately?'

Balls of fucking steel. BALLS OF FUCKING STEEL.

Earlier today while I was getting ready to go out with him, he had passed by me, stopped and casually squeezed my left breast and looked at me dead in the eye. 'Did you find a lump in there?'

'Have you got socks in there?' He asked.

Have I WHAT?

'You know, you watched that video of that bird stuffing socks in her bra and you tried it the next day, remember?' He smirked.

I was taking the fucking piss! Just to see you roar with laughter when we shagged and socks fell out.

Do you not know what your Missus' real tits feel like?

So today, for the second time I really looked at him.

'I have dropped two sizes. I can still fit in my Pre-Charlie clothes, plus room to move in it,' I answered calmly. 'What the FUCK are you ON!?'

I was saying this with a hairbrush knotted in my fucking hair and the bloody puppy kept trying to go for it and catching me in the chin with her chompers.

'I am going to donate you to the less fortunate this Christmas, Stevie, if you don't fucking SIT! Fuck off! SIT! Good girl. Now go bite the fuck out of your toy. Go on.'

'I don't know... You just look... Big to me these days,' he replied.

'Since when?!'

Yank, yank, curses, fucking yank again on the hairbrush.

'This is your fucking doing this stupid hair. I want to cut it short again!'

'But you fucking moaned when your hair was short and you just fucking said you are going to get bloody extensions because it's not long enough. What the fuck are YOU on?'

That was true. He was right. Back to yanking.

'So which part am I bigger then?'

'I don't know, Baby. All over.'

'Are you having a laugh? I have fucking lost weight. I have dropped sizes. My tits have shrunken and look at how sad they are! LOOK.'

'Maybe I am seeing things wrong...'

'Have you, after all this time been under the illusion that you have been shagging the clothes-horse?'

He laughed. Oh how he roared with laughter.

'You're beautiful, my baby. Really. The most beautiful woman alive.'

I went on and on about what a cockless comeback that was and how I expected more of him but when I turned to look at him, he was cuddling Stevie and Stevie was cuddling her Daddy with that fucking manky rope that she had bloody pissed on in her mouth still.

So, it is his bloody fault that I am now watching Youtube tutorials of Pilates.

Okay well maybe I just want to slim my thighs a bit just so that they can stop rubbing against each other and make the weirdest of noises when I have tights on.