What kids?

I just got back spending a little under a week with Jaz's kids. Oh, how I love spending time with teenagers and their constantly yelling, moaning, under-the-breath cussings and louder-than-loud accusations of which sibling is the bigger idiot. Then there are times when teenage aggression turns to the animals. It's always funny when a child is getting told off by a parent and then said child turns to a purely innocent animal and then yells at the animal for no fucking reason and say 'Dave, stop looking at me!'. Makes me look at Jaz's ex and try to telepathically tell her what a fucking trooper she is. She is. If I tell my child to listen and then the child yells back 'NO, YOU listen' my guess is a certain palm is going to make sharp contact with a certain face. But hey, that is just me. I support the slapping of insolent children. No, really. Sometimes talking rationally will not do. Seriously. Just lock them in the cupboard under the stairs. Might make a wizard or a witch, or anything interesting and useful, out of them.

Christmas is around the corner. Can't you tell? Christmas, moany children, shortage of money and getting hit by hail on the way to the shops to get your children the presents that they will not appreciate a mere two days later. Last year, Jaz's youngest was on the bloody Wii the whole blooming Christmas day and whines when someone tries to persuade her to turn the telly off so that we could watch some Christmassy garbage on the telly. I kept telling her that she needed a rest or her arms were going to pop off but no, she loved her Wii and OOOOH more games to be explored on Wii Resort. Or something. Was it Wii Resort? I think so. Then she proceeded to pass out on the settee and then woke up with the achiest pair of arms known to a child not in the child slavery business. Moan, whinge, cry, moan. No thanks for the Wii. Wii remote discarded in between the settee cushions. Got sat on. A month later would be stepped on, no doubt, before finally being misplaced long after it was forgotten about altogether.

The eldest son got a PS3 where he spent more of his teenage time in his dark, teenage-boy-smelling bedroom on shooter games that breed aggression, came out when a level had beaten him 18 times in a row, resurfaced only to demand new games, snacks and what time dinner would be dished out. Occasionally, he would hint someone to run his bath.

The eldest girl got a laptop which later on had a whole can of whole up-end on it.

I saw a status on Facebook with someone saying 'I am glad I don't have to go out and buy toys for kids'. I'm thinking, 'Wow, you are lucky if you can find a kid that actually wants toys now.' or 'I'd like to meet a kid who wants toys'. Do they still want toys? The last time I talked to a child, the child said she wanted a fucking iPhone 4S. No, listen to me, you are a child so ask for a fucking doll. A stupid Barbie or that equally stupid bear that you can change its clothes depending on the season. Whatever happened to those girls who wanted a baby doll and a pram to go along with it? Do those type of girls still exist? Why is it that every child I meet now wants an electronic device of sorts? Why must it be plugged it or charged for a half a day before it can even be fun?

You know what I want for Christmas?

A book. Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins. I want to know what bloody happens now in that third book. I am also looking forward to Hollywood slaughtering that good book to hell and back. And an iPod with a no-bleed pair of earphones so that I can read and drown out all the fucking Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! and shit.

And Jaz's ex should have her bath run for her with sinful bath bombs and Bailey's Hazelnut after. Jaz? He should be the mediator by yelling 'You are ALL fucking idiots!'

They are lovely kids. When they are, without realizing it, being nice to each other and not trying to out-cuss each other in the name of sibling rivalry. Like each and every other children, really. Like myself and my brother, in fact. But we got punched for kicking shit up.

But still... I love them. And I do end up being that person that say stupid shit like, 'Awwww, I know, mate. Siblings are like that. Come here, give me a hug and brush my hair.'

Embarrassing.