Petty. Sad. Pitiful. Group dynamics. You have got to love group dynamics. Am I such a horrible human being? A valuable waste of space? I must be to some. Self-victimization. I do partake. It's called me having a moan. Oh poor me. Life is so shit for me. Me me me me me me.
How, HOW, have I changed so drastically this year until friends of mine refuse to be friends of mine? I wonder. I do wonder. How have I changed into something I have always laughed at? Maybe I've always been laughing at sad people. I suppose that makes me just as sad, rejoicing in the misery of others. Have I laughed at people who used to advertise their blog and sell their souls every so often? Because that is the only thing I can think of that is out of the ordinary for me. Maybe I have. I have behaved and reacted in peculiar ways. People are disgusting, I know. I am a person and I am just as disgusting. Sometimes I replayed the scenario in my head and cried. Sometimes, I laughed so hard until it hurts. Dickheads, the pair of them and their entire bloody army.
Why is it at 25 I feel like I am back in bloody Secondary School? Maybe it is because I have some of my schoolmates in my Facebook and not surprisingly, they still do behave like they did in their teenage years. Why do I even have some of them on my Facebook anyway? To get reacquainted and then it will dawn on me, again, why we were never mates in school anyway? How have I changed to them since my teenage years, I wonder. My friend, Timmeh, said something months back and it did hit home, with me at least. He said, 'If we all spent time talking to each other we wouldn't be worrying.' or something along those lines. A lot of people on FB was a bit miffed with the new FB feed thing, saying how we were getting spammed with random rubbish. It was true what he said though and it did fill me with a little bit of shame, actually. Why do we have all these people on FB, if we get so miffed by their mere status updates, their comments, their picture posts. Why would we rather have a very quiet FB profile and shut ourselves away from these people that we, ourselves, have added willingly, or maybe out of obligation? Why even have Facebook? Why not not have it and be one of the few arrogant people that say 'Oh, I don't do all that Facebook, Twitter shit'. Why have a social networking site if you don't wish to social network?
If I were so see someone I don't like, I'd just turn a corner and pretend I don't see them so that we don't have to interact. I would rather do that then stand there, tapping my foot and wishing someone would have a cardiac arrest across the street to act as a distraction as I run away.
Why do some people like to get into an argument and then end it with 'I used to know you so well'? Was it my fault that you stopped knowing me so well? Was it my fault that you did not see this argument taking place, considering that you had known me so well, and anticipated my response to be like that? Have I let you down by not reacting the way you had wished me to? Have I somehow disappointed you by behaving like a human, erratic and unreasonable as it is, and not that droid that you had thought I was in all those years of friendship? Have I ended up pissing on your Sub-Human Droid manual? Was I not allowed to react? Was your way the only rational way for me to behave? What. If you had known me so well, why were we even arguing? Did you purposely say the things that you said just to wind me up? Were you having a laugh? Had I behaved the way you had wanted me to behave, would your parting shot have been 'You used to be so disobedient'? Were we arguing just for the hell of it? I have lived in my body for 25 years and I don't even know when is my next period. I don't even know what my anus really looked like. I don't even know myself. I don't even know that some telly advert would set me off for days. I don't even know myself. My parents had not known I would be fucking off without turning back. Who are you to say that you used to know me so well? Was your supposed knowledge of my person based on my iPod playlist? I listen to Metallica so you know what sort of an angry teenager I was? I listen to Adele so you understand that I am actually quite sentimental. My high-score on Brick-Breaker was Level 29 so you know that I actually whip my iPod out to avoid conversation. What? What is with these people who think they can dig deep with such parting shots. Well, obviously they have, because if not I would not be so wound up. I would have felt better had the parting shot be 'Your left breast is saggier than your right'.
Well, then, considering the situation, I will say that you had not known me all that well, I suppose? Because if you had, whatever I said would not have horrified you as much.
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